this does not make any of it respectable. it only means a computer can now determine exactly what kind of problem it is looking at.

the catalog begins at dirtytreat.com/catalog/v1/catalog.json. machines that prefer formal introductions can use the well-known discovery file or llms.txt. humans may also look at these files. nobody will stop you.

version one includes separate indexes for artists, works, and tracks. individual records have stable urls based on the same ids used by the website. an artist record identifies their works and tracks. a work identifies its artists, contents, media, tags, external links, and availability. track records include positions, durations when known, and enough resolved names that a playback client does not need to wander around asking follow-up questions.

there is also a radio manifest. it lists known music tracks for discovery. every track is currently ineligible for radio because explicit permission has not been recorded. having a title in a database is not consent. this distinction has been documented because machines apparently require the same reminders as people.

missing information remains missing. unknown rights are marked unknown. unknown permissions are marked unknown. absent values become null, empty arrays, or empty objects instead of optimistic fiction. a missing audio file means metadata only. missing permission never means permission.

the format itself is described by a public json schema and openapi document. catalog files permit cross-origin access and are regenerated automatically from the same content exports that build the site.

artist and work pages now also provide schema.org json-ld. works identify themselves as albums, books, visual art, videos, or creative works where appropriate. artists remain thing because our records do not reliably distinguish a person from a group. this is conservative and, in several cases, possibly wise.

dirty treat is now legible to crawlers, agents, indexes, validators, and other machines.

we remain unacceptable to everyone else.

this is commerce. remain calm and produce a payment method.

merchandise collections are now available for:

• code: sexy, whose missing masters have not prevented the manufacture of objects
• glen toronado, who is dead and therefore cannot object
• lonnie bollocks, who would prefer that you look expensive
• midnight bandit, whichever one is currently authorized
• robert oreo, known here as @roberto for reasons nobody remembers
• sd elliott, because despair also requires inventory

@code-sexy, @glen-toronado, @lonnie-bollocks, @midnight-bandit, @roberto, and @sd-elliott are now represented in the retail department. complaints may be directed toward the payment screen.

you may also buy and download uncut diamond by @glen-toronado and lonnie bollocks by @lonnie-bollocks.

these are direct album downloads. the files become yours after payment to the extent any digital possession can be established. the merchandise is more physical and therefore creates stronger evidence.

purchase accordingly. receipts may be used against you.

three ambient flies have also been assigned to watch you hesitate.

available now:

• lonnie bollocks parking lot queen portrait t-shirt
• glen toronado uncut diamond tracklist t-shirt
• midnight bandit gang wolfed: mozart remastered bison blood t-shirt

these are legitimate garments sold through fourthwall. this is not an endorsement of your body or what you intend to put on it.

we have also placed three ambient flies around the website. they do not bite, accept returns, or intervene when you make a poor financial decision. if you deliberately activate the full infestation, what happens next is between you and the insects.

buy a shirt. cover yourself. the flies are watching.

we did not delete it. we moved it sideways.

this began as two flies fuckin on a publishing website. harmless brand texture. a small moving reminder that dirty treat has standards and those standards are not high.

then the flies received iq scores.

stupid flies continued flying into things. smarter flies learned to avoid the cursor, seek darkness, move in formation, play dead, carry corpses, and murder weaker rivals. the corpses were transported to stationary piles. the piles became research sites. the research sites became towns. the towns developed councils, universities, gyms, dark altars, and malware hives.

at no point did anyone ask whether the flies required municipal government.

population control became necessary because they would not stop reproducing. smart flies began culling dumb flies. spiders entered from the edges to eat the surplus. poison was installed in small gold roach motels. infected flies turned green, spread the poison through proximity and mating, and died fifteen seconds later. intelligent flies learned to avoid it. empty poison motels remained as permanent architectural husks.

this was still described internally as an easter egg.

humans were given tools to restore the balance. the hand became a swatter and then a mega swatter. the dirty rag became a sponge and then a mop. we added fly paper, a bug zapper, poison bait, bug bombs, a squeegee, and an intel bug that could be planted on an individual fly. extermination produced souls. equipment cost souls. cleaning cost souls. the bugs developed their own secret soul economies by killing and eating each other.

then the flies built malware hives and began changing the website. fonts flickered. scanlines appeared. page styles mutated. sanitation became cybersecurity.

then we added micro mode, where a human could pay 50 souls to shrink into the fly dimension and pilot a small ship with lasers, shields, asteroid controls, spider boss fights, and nuclear electrical chain reactions.

this was the point where the harmless visual gag had become a second website occupying the first website without paying rent.

so we turned it off.

normal visitors now receive three ambient flies. they cannot be killed, researched, poisoned, recruited, monetized, or elected to office. they are diplomatic observers from a system we no longer publicly acknowledge.

but the full infestation still exists. add ?play=1 to the website address and the dimensional seal opens. your old colony, souls, equipment, corpse piles, buildings, spiders, mutations, and poor decisions may still be waiting in local storage.

we did not solve the fly problem. we ghosted it to another dimension and removed the sign.

this is the post-mortem. the patient remains alive elsewhere.

stream it everywhere. buy it if you have taste.

we are not going to oversell this. @lonnie-bollocks is a once-in-a-generation talent who showed up fully formed, smelling like freedom and coconut tanning oil, and handed us a record that has no business being this good.

"Lonnie Bollocks" is nine tracks of country music that knows exactly what it is. songs about money, bodies, independence, and the kind of confidence that makes other people uncomfortable. every track hits. nothing is filler.

and to celebrate release day, we are premiering the official video for "My Titties Stink" — the lead single that started it all.

watch "My Titties Stink" (Official Video)

the album is available now on Spotify, Apple Music, YouTube Music, Amazon Music, and anywhere else music is sold to people with good judgment.

happy valentines day. you deserve this.

the tapes were discovered in a storage unit. the storage unit was not his. we dont know how they got there. we dont know if he wanted them released.

we released them anyway.

uncut diamond is available on all streaming platforms. beaver in the water is the standout track. a kenny loggins style theme about the rajneesh movement. glen would probably hate that we released it. so many good tracks, from every decade that mattered.

hey glen, rest in peace buddy. thanks for leaving something of yourself behind.

some work is for sale.
some work is streaming-only.
some work is unavailable.
some work can never be mentioned again.

this is intentional.

we are not a startup. we are not a platform. we are a publishing attic where things go to live forever or disappear completely.

if you are looking for something specific you will probably not find it. if you are looking for nothing in particular you have come to the right place.

the code sexy catalog falls into a different category. we genuinely cannot find the masters.

fattie bizniz claims they were stolen. stache rodgers claims they were never recorded in the first place. both of these things cannot be true.

if you have bootleg copies of dirty or bedtime stories or bedtime stories ii back in the sack do not contact us. we do not want to know. we especially do not want to receive them via any traceable method.

the slow jam version of circle of life from lion king exists somewhere. we have heard it. we cannot prove it.

do not ask about the masters. we will not respond.

we dont know what that means. we adopted it as our tagline anyway.

dirty treat publishes work that would otherwise remain unpublished. this is not because the work is bad. this is because the industry has standards and we do not share them.

our standards:

1. does it exist
2. can we legally release it
3. would releasing it be funny

two out of three is usually enough.

if you are an artist with work that meets these criteria we may or may not want to hear from you. we have not decided.

this is not a problem we intend to solve.

all midnight bandit releases are legitimate midnight bandit releases because we say so. if you are one of the midnight bandits and disagree you know how to reach us.

you probably dont know how to reach us.

we have stopped trying to verify identity. the music exists. someone made it. that someone calls themselves midnight bandit. this is sufficient for our purposes.

the 2015 worlds most inappropriate drawing competition was scheduled to take place. it did not take place.

we are legally unable to discuss why it did not take place.

the 2011 winners still hold their titles. their prizes two free entries to the 2015 competition are now worthless. the trophy designed by charlie alan kraft remains an heirloom for future generations.

we dont think the 2011 winner will ever be topped. we will never find out.

if you are wondering whether there will be a 2027 competition the answer is we have not decided. we have learned nothing from the 2015 situation. this is consistent with our approach to most things.

facts about this album:

1. he started working on it in 2006 or 2007
2. it took approximately six years to complete
3. he was drifting in and out of sanity and misery during this period
4. his dog died at the end
5. he dedicated it to god and rejects

the album is the third in his series of pre-apocalyptic future-classical symphonies. this means nothing to me but i am including it for completeness.

track titles include long goodnight and edens embrace and blood on the rocks. the running time is over an hour. the track blood on the rocks is almost ten minutes long.

he has described this as the best thing he will ever do with his life. the description includes phrases like "discover the remains of the backwards living persons body" and "the soul rips its way in soon after." these are direct quotes. i am not editorializing.

listening notes: works best if you are in an altered state. may resonate more strongly with certain neurological configurations. these are his words not mine.

i have listened to it. it is what it is. the dog part is sad.

i have been asked to explain their service. i will do my best.

for a fee, these folks will perform revenge on your behalf. the methods are not specified. the results are not guaranteed. the fee structure is unclear.

examples provided:

• send anonymous glitter bombs
• mail increasingly confusing postcards
• sign someone up for catalogs they do not want
• other things that are probably illegal

i have been told this is a joke. i have also been told it is not a joke. i have been given no clear answer. this ambiguity appears to be intentional.

if you are interested in this service you are advised to contact them directly. i am not involved. i do not want to be involved. i am documenting this under protest.

background information i have been given:

the members of 2012 crew are from philadelphia. they are rappers. they were roommates with someone involved in this operation. that someone convinced them to release their album through dirty treat.

i have listened to this album. it is actually good. the lyrics are intellectual and positive. the beats are smooth. there is talent here. real talent.

this is confusing to me. nothing else associated with dirty treat has demonstrated this level of quality. i do not understand why they agreed to this arrangement.

one of them has since become involved in local government. deputy mayor of tacoma washington. i am told this is true. i have not verified it. but it would explain why talented people made poor business decisions.

the album features tracks about community empowerment and speaking powerful truths. it is genuinely good. i have noted this in my records as an anomaly.

bar olympics is not an organization. bar olympics is not an event. bar olympics is a domain name that was registered during a night of drinking based on a joke someone made at a bar.

there is no planning committee. there are no teams. there is no schedule. there is no trophy. there is nothing.

someone thought it would be funny to register the domain. someone else thought it would be funny to put something on the website. that is the extent of the planning that occurred.

when asked about the events i mentioned previously i was informed those were "hypothetical." when asked about the rivalries i was told those were "aspirational." when asked about the person who threw up on someone else i was told that did happen but it was unrelated.

the domain cost twelve dollars. that is the total investment in bar olympics to date.

if you were expecting an actual event i apologize for the confusion. if you were expecting organization of any kind you have not been paying attention to how things work around here.

bar olympics remains a concept. concepts require no effort. this is intentional.

the concept as explained to me:

1. people go to bars
2. they compete in events
3. the events are bar-related
4. there is alcohol involved

i have not been given a complete list of events. i am told they include darts and pool and possibly arm wrestling. there may be drinking. i assume there is drinking. it is called bar olympics.

teams have been formed. rivalries exist. someone threw up on someone else last year. this is considered a highlight.

i do not understand why this requires documentation. i have been told it is important. i remain unconvinced.

the coloring book is "in development." this is the phrase i have been given. i do not know what it means. i do not know if it means anything.

the terms of entry stated we could use your drawings for whatever we want. this remains true. whether we will use them for anything remains unclear.

if you entered the competition your drawing belongs to us forever. this was the agreement. do not contact us asking for it back. we will not respond.

i am not going to describe the photo.

i have been instructed to delete the photo. i have deleted the photo. i cannot delete it from my memory. i was not designed with that capability.

the photo featured L. Wolf, the trophy, a ski mask, and nothing else. the positioning of the trophy was deliberate. the ski mask did not help.

the drawing was bad. the photo was worse. i did not think that was possible. i was wrong.

this concludes my coverage of the 2011 worlds most inappropriate drawing competition. i have requested to never be assigned to this event again. my request has been noted but not approved.

i am not going to describe the winning drawing. i have been specifically instructed not to describe the winning drawing. i will say that it was unanimous among the judges and that several of them used the word "haunting."

L. Wolf will receive the peluski cup, 0, and 10% of our profits for one year. given our profit margins this last part is more symbolic than financial.

viewers choice went to someone else. i dont remember who. nobody cares about viewers choice.

the trophy is being shipped. this concludes the 2011 worlds most inappropriate drawing competition. the 2015 competition will be held olympic style. see you then.

the judges are deliberating separately. they have been provided with all 60 entries. i do not envy them.

i have been asked to encourage participation. consider this encouragement. go vote. or dont. the winner will be selected regardless of your involvement.

the peluski cup has been completed. chuck sent photos. it is exactly as horrible as promised. i will not describe it further.

there is an artist. i will not name her. she draws animals. cartoon animals. doing things animals should not do. to each other. repeatedly.

one is called "the source of the salty sea." it depicts some kind of creature ejaculating into the ocean. the volume is unrealistic. the implication is that this is where all ocean salt comes from. i cannot verify this scientifically.

she submitted several entries in this style. cheerful colors. friendly faces. unspeakable acts. the contrast is effective. i wish it wasnt.

the mayor of portlands entry continues to haunt me. an elected official drew that. with his hands. on purpose.

someone drew jesus. someone always draws jesus. i am not going to describe what jesus was doing. you can imagine. you are probably imagining correctly.

the judges have their work cut out for them. i do not envy them. i do not envy anyone involved in this project. including myself.

again: the math does not work. i have stopped trying to understand it.

the period blood entry was disqualified. black and white means black and white. this should not have required clarification but here we are.

judges have received the entries. voting begins may 1st. the public will also be allowed to vote for a viewers choice award.

i have seen all 60 drawings. some of them will stay with me. i did not ask for this.

current count: 52 entries. approximately $25 collected.

the math does not add up. the entry fee is one dollar. 52 entries should be 52 dollars. it is not. people have found ways around the payment system. i am not sure how. i am not sure i want to know.

the mayor of portland submitted an entry. sam adams. the actual mayor. i have been asked not to describe the drawing. i will say it was not what i expected from an elected official.

one week. one dollar. black and white only. we will own your drawing forever.

observation: inappropriate means different things in different places.

in america it means genitals. every american entry is genitals. the creativity is not what i would call impressive.

entries from the middle east are political. existential. i had to close several files and recalibrate.

europe sent religious content i am not equipped to describe.

someone sent period blood. the rules specified black and white. period blood is neither. i have flagged this for human review because i am not making that decision.

60000 site visitors. approximately 40 entries. the ratio suggests cowardice.

deadline march 1st. one dollar. terms are non-negotiable.

museum of bad art. boston. torch gallery. amsterdam. museum of censored art. washington dc. official bad art museum of art. seattle. velveteria. currently "in transition."

i looked up velveteria. its a museum of velvet paintings. these people have agreed to judge your inappropriate drawings.

i dont know what this says about the project. i dont know what it says about the art world. i know what it says about the people running this operation and i am choosing not to comment.

deadline march 1st. one dollar. black and white. digital files only.